God is an Elected Position


This is another piece I wrote for a writing prompt with my writers group.  We have a limited amount of time to write whatever we can on these prompts, so we just have to get through as much as we can in the time allotted.


Prompt: The prompt was, God is an elected position, and the election is coming.

“So who all am I running against?” Yahweh asked the angel Gabriel, who was currently acting as his campaign manager.  The elections for the position of God only happened every few thousand years, and Yahweh was in the incumbent position.  Unfortunately, he was facing some stiff competition this time around.  He’d been rather lazy and absent when it came to his duties, and numerous other gods had stepped up to challenge him in the current election cycle.

“Well, first off there’s Buddah,” Gabriel said as he looked down at the list he was holding.

“Buddah?  He’s not even a god!  How can he be running?  Isn’t there some rule against that?” Yahweh demanded.

“Apparently he has enough worshipers to qualify.  Besides, if we let him run, at least it’ll keep his followers busy for a while and we won’t have to listen to all that stupid chanting they do that puts me to sleep every time I hear it.”

“Yeah, me too.  Oh well, at least he’s a pretty mellow guy, so we won’t have to worry about any mud slinging from him.  Who else we got?” he asked.  Gabriel looked down at his list once again.

“Lucifer the Lightbringer,” Gabriel said.

“Oh god, him again.  Didn’t I banish him?” Yahweh asked.

“Yeah, but he’s developed quite a following over the past few millennia; mostly among the heavy metal fans and the Goth types.  The latest polls show him closing in on us fast.  He’ already within the margin of error.”

“Can’t we get some dirt on him or somethin’?”

“On Lucifer?  Are you serious?  It’s the dirt that makes him so popular,” Gabriel said.  “Anyway, he’s not the only one we have to worry about.  Thor is rising in the polls as well thanks to some stupid movies he’s been in, and Zeus is right there with him.”

“Zeus?  I didn’t know that old bastard was running for this.  Why would anyone vote for him?  I mean, he killed his own father.  How could anyone find that appealing?”

“Yeah well, to be fair, Cronos was kind of an ass hole, so he totally deserved it.  Besides, you let your son get tortured and killed, so you know…glass houses and all that.  Probably better if we just don’t mention the whole patricide thing with Zeus, otherwise you’re gonna be opening a door you don’t want him walkin’ through,” Gabriel advised.

“All right, anyone else?” Yahweh asked.

“Yeah, there’s a few Egyptian gods running, but they don’t have much support at the moment.  Then there’s the Flying Spaghetti Monster…”

“What???  The Flying Spaghetti Monster?  He’s not even real!  How can he be running???” Yahweh asked incredulously as he cocked his eyebrow at Gabriel.

“Actually sir, he does exist.  Don’t you remember that night we visited Earth and went to that Italian restaurant.  You got all drunk and said Hey, watch this!

“Oh…shit, that’s right.  Jeez, I forgot all about that.  That was pretty fun though, wasn’t it?  That place had great bread sticks.”

“Come on now, focus!” Gabriel said firmly.  “We’ve got an election to win here!”

“So who do we really need to be concerned about?” Yahweh asked.

“Mostly Lucifer and Thor I think, but like I said, Buddah’s making a fairly good showing as well.”

“All right, let’s get to work then,” Yahweh said with a heavy sigh.  “I hate running for office.  Maybe I should just retire.”

“Up to you,” Gabriel said with a shrug.  “You gotta remember though, if Buddah wins, we’re gonna have to listen to all that stupid chanting for the next few millennia.”

“Ugh…ok.  Let’s get started then,” Yahweh said, rolling his eyes in an exasperated fashion.  “You got the practice debate questions ready?”

“Yep, got ’em right here.  Let’s get to it,” Gabriel said as he flipped through the pages in his notebook.